Your secret biggest fear as a dad |

Our secret biggest fear

Ever had that experience of deep visceral fear?

Hopefully not often, But when it happens, it shakes you up.

Like when someone pulls out suddenly in front of you and you have to slam on the brakes. Hoping to God you don’t hit.

Or you misjudge your speed on a bike racing down hill, skid badly, scraping half your skin off as you fall.

Fear is normal and helpful then. It puts your body into readiness for harm and brings all your senses on line for action.

But what about other areas of your life? Are there unspoken fears?

Ones that are not so obvious…?


– Life ebbing away without joy

– Wanting to be closer to your kids, but you don’t know how

– Career being a pressure rather than fun

– Not knowing how to feel close to your partner

So many men I talk to live in this space where it’s too much to say ‘I’m struggling’ until it gets too late. 

They find themselves in a crisis. Relationship on the rocks. Career hitting the buffers. Or in a secret mental health mess.

Or they find it impossible to admit to themselves. They think ‘I’m fine, no problems, I’ve got it handled’… until it’s too late.

So how do they try to get through?

Pushing on through pain. Self medicating. Acting out.

They’re all strategies based on an innocent misunderstanding: the Feelings Paradox.

What is it? The idea that your circumstances are creating your feelings.

When we live in that misunderstanding, we put so much energy into changing the world on the outside.

Spending our way to happiness. Working our way to lightness. Drinking our way to relief, to name but a few.

And of course, none of these works in the long term. You simply get closer and closer to the abyss.

What if that fear was a wake-up call? Not telling you about what’s going on, on the outside, but on the inside?

Pointing you to a deeper wisdom, that something needs to change.

Nudging you to…

– slow down

– say your needs matter

– reconnect with your love of life

– shift priorities for what’s important

We all need to take stock at some point, and ask:

‘Am I leading the life I want?’

If the answer’s no, I can help. Like I did with Chris.

He felt caught in a cycle of hopelessness about his life direction.

With my help, he reconnected with what he wants from life, made some small but significant changes. Now he’s fallen back in love with this life.

Photo by Ludde Lorentz on Unsplash

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